A LOVE I COULDN’T OWN

Initial reading and review by: Tosin Ado, Jibola Bakare and Tosan Omoshola.
Poem contribution by: Amity4

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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People come in and out of our lives. Some just come and go, literally. Others leave a mark before walking out of our lives. Some are planned, most are casual.A few last our lifetime. You wish you never had to part ways with them and you never forget them as long as you still have memories of them. We let people into our lives to become friends; to love. We trust them with so much, sometimes with our lives. Sometimes we regret we did, all the time we hope we don’t. We always hope and wish people feel the same way we feel about them. Irrespective of our past experiences, these things happen again and again. Its déjà vu.

Too many times, I hear people; young and old, blame love for some unexpected or inappropriate action. A teenage girl sneaks out of her parents’ house through the window to go hang out with her favourite company, she calls it love.
When a young ‘career man’ who just got a chance to go abroad with a better job offer decides to stay back because he wouldn’t leave ‘happiness’ behind in search of more money, love is to blame too.
A young man, without the consent of his parents, decides to marry a lady he just met. Dad says, “Fool! can you not see that this woman has a gun pointed to your head?!”. The fool replies, “Dad, it’s just a water gun. It’s not even real”. Everybody, including me, sees an AK and 47 other reasons why they shouldn’t be, but all this young man sees is a water gun and no reason why they shouldn’t be. He calls that love too. Love, like they say, is blind.

So I say, who is love?! Bro, would you please come out and let us know the truth! Why does everyone keep blaming you for their most stupid actions? I thought you were a nice guy. Love only happens to the right people, at the right time, in the right places and in the right circumstances.
Oh well, that was my thought, all of it, up until very recently.

Hi. My name is Frank and I am human.

My predicament began a while ago. I was invited by a friend to a pub in my neighbourhood. It was a different kind. She had just her friends come in early evenings, at nights and weekends to laugh, gist and mingle. Unlike a typical pub, some light and soft drinks were served because it was a group of more females than males. They all have been friends for a long time. It didn’t take too much time for me to get the flow. We all became friends in a short time. Sometimes we disagreed, argued and closed the pub early. Some other times, we laughed and laughed till almost midnight. Our Fridays were the best as we’d most times stay up till some hours before dawn. It was super cool. I was always looking forward to hanging out with these guys. I was close to everyone same level.

I went MIA at a time; I had so much work to do. Most of the guys did get in touch and understood I had to be away. So one day, Doyin called me. She was to me like every other person from the pub. She had a good sense of humour and I always knew her as one of the pub’s smartest. But then, there was nothing. It was just a call from yet another pub-mate.

…………………………..

Okay! So, Doyin called me again.

…………………………..

I was off on official duty someday but I had some free hours. So I thought, Doyin has called me twice; which was very nice and friendly. I should return her calls; it was the nice thing to do.
So, I called Doyin and we spoke and laughed and that was all.

After a while, I returned to the pub but I wasn’t as frequent as I used to. I got really busy, it was understandable by all.
Weeks after the exchange of a few calls with Doyin, she texted to check on me. I texted her back to let her know I was fine. Another text to know how she was too and the texting continued. I liked Doyin, she was very friendly.
So sometimes we text, other times we spoke. This didn’t go on everyday but it was more frequent than when we just started talking.

I wanted Doyin to be my friend. I guess she wanted same thing as she was down with it the moment I told her. So as friends now, we exchanged our other mobile and office numbers, social network IDs and BBM chat pins. We wanted to talk more.

We started talking, more frequently. We checked on each other at least once everyday and sometimes we’d rather talk over the phone, she had a lovely voice. It was cool and normal. We were too carried away to have thought we could grow fond of each other, but it seemed like something we were going to be cool with anyway..

Since we became friends, we talked about everything. Everything! She knew about my relationship, my family, my life…. There was zilch she didn’t know about me. She told me about herself, family, work….. At the time, she wasn’t dating. Sometimes I’d laugh at her and jokingly promise to help her talk to some of my friends, if anyone would be interested in going out with her.

We met one sunday, we had a meal together and we laughed and laughed as we talked. I started noticing her smile, it was a killer. I noticed how beautiful she was. It became more glaring with every minute we spent together. Somehow, I became shy of her face as I’d consciously try to avoid seeing her glowing smile. This was weird.

After that meal, things changed with me. I became conscious that I was spending more hours of the day talking to Doyin, and the times we weren’t talking, I was looking forward to our conversations. We were so fond of each other that we didn’t even notice. But I liked it. We joked a lot; she made me laugh every time. I was so comfortable with her. We’d talk last thing at night and I’d wake up to her text in the morning apologizing because she had slept on me the night before. I was spending more money on calls and internet, but it was okay.

Normally, my girlfriend would know about my friends. She knew all of them. But somehow, unintentionally, I’d skipped ever telling her about Doyin, not even mentioning the name. She was far from me at the time. I thought of telling her once, but I didn’t.

Doyin and I had so many things in common. Knowing her got more interesting. We talked a lot more. I thought of her more. I could safely say she became an addiction. Once, she woke up to my voice-note. I did my favourite song for her with my croaky voice and we laughed at me all week. She became my muse – an inspiration for my writing. While talking over the phone, I gestured as though she was with me.
All this time, I tried to act calm and normal. It was a safe relationship. We were friends, nothing more.

We agreed to meet again, her idea. This time, things got more awkward. We couldn’t even spend an hour. To me, it was as if she was aware of my emotions as she’d dare look straight in my eyes too many times. I became unusually shy, it was obvious. She’d smile so hard and I’d hear my heart skip.

PAUSE!!
Now what do you think, frankly?!

I’m sure your thought now is exactly as mine was. Frank is in love. I could swear I was.
But it was a wrong thing, I was aware. How could I have fallen in love with someone else while in a relationship?! Maybe I was wrong. I remembered the rare, maybe true saying, that kids mistake a new toy for a better one. I could swear I was happy with what I had prior to meeting Doyin. My relationship was at the time a few months over a year. I tried to deny my feelings. It’s a wrong thing to love her.

The most difficult thing to deal with was the ‘smell’ that she felt same way about me. A gut feeling was all my proof. She didn’t show it, not a tiny bit. She was as good at hiding her feelings as she was at making a man fall for her. She was darn lovable. I could bet there are very few straight men that wouldn’t fall for her. Not for her beauty, not the body but her whole self.

At this juncture, I sat to think of what was right not what I wanted. This was a good thing as I was on the verge of hurting someone. It could be a case like the new toy, old toy. I wanted to prove my emotions wrong. It was a battle between my head and my heart. Maybe if I gave more attention to my relationship. Maybe if I spent more time with her……. All these and many more maybes………………..

…………… So, I started calling my relationship more.

It could be as a result of the reset in my heart, but I found my relationship less interesting. We’d speak for an hour sometimes and I’d even have to force a smile. She wouldn’t laugh at my jokes. They were too boring, I guess. She was too serious. She wouldn’t text me back most times. She’d go on and on to talk about herself, her day, her life.

No!! No!! That was better, this is boring.

So, I went back to my heart. I told it “hommie, I think you were right. What you made me feel was amazing!” It didn’t take too much time for me to agree with my heart, I am in love. Ironically, my relationship helped me fall in love with another.

A while after resolving with my heart, I couldn’t live with so much emotion as a secret. I decided to let Doyin in. I’d thought, what good is it to feel this way and keep to yourself. I wasn’t so sure Doyin felt exactly same way but they say love is a risk. God help my soul!

So, I told Doyin. She laughed and boasted with so much pride of her awesomeness.
Oh, No! She thought it was a joke!
Hey Dee! I’m serious. I think I’m in love with you.
She said “Oh, Yeah! I think I’ve fallen in love with me too.
I couldn’t help but laugh as I was trying to convince her. The way she responded all the time was amusing but it hurt me. We dragged this for a week or so until she felt I could be serious.
She didn’t respond in too much shock as she was too smart not to have felt it. Maybe her surprise was as a result of me finally saying it.

“Oh, Okay!” was all she said at first and it did sound mean, but it was a soft-landing for her. There was a moment of awkward silence before she finally added, “Well, I think I like you too.”
Whew! I sighed. It was the best response ever. Even if all she said was “I think I like you too”, my heart danced with joy. It was the greatest feeling ever.

Surprisingly, this didn’t change much about us. We continued to be best friends and we’d talk and laugh like we used to. It was this way for a while. She told me sweet things about me as I did about her. I was enjoying this kind of friendship. You cannot prove I was cheating as we never even kissed. We both were living as friends but with a full knowledge of each others feelings.

So this day, she requested that we meet at the same place we had what happened to be our first date. Some two days before, she’d been acting sorta distant. She missed a few calls and replied my chats late. I thought she got busy with work. We had dinner and I was about to ask her about work when she popped a question that changed the course of our relationship.

“Frank, what exactly do you want? Where are we headed?”

Oh, No! What I wanted? Where we’re headed? Wow! I never thought of those questions. I was just enjoying the moment. I didn’t know for sure what I wanted.
So, I said “This. I want what we have now.”
She replies “This? Friends in love?”
“Yes, friends in love” I responded.

Frank, we cannot be this. She said to me in a mild voice; No, this isn’t fair.

I’d thought she was dealing with this so well. I thought she was very good at hiding her emotions, pretending they never were. Little did I know she’d gone totally crazy about me. She wouldn’t admit but now I can tell she feels same way about me. Maybe more than my feelings were for her. She couldn’t deal with being in love with me and not owning me which was totally understandable. I got carried away and became a little selfish. The more she loved me, the more she realised I was for another.

So, I returned the question. Doyin, what do you want?

She replied, “Frank, I cannot be second choice. You cannot make me fall so deep for you with no intention of catching me. I am happy to be in love with you but I am sad that we cannot be. As much I would love to have you, I cannot but remember that you are for another. I think you gotta let me go.
Frank, we need to stop being friends. I need to deal with this. I need to let my heart know you are not the right person to fall in love with. But I cannot do that with you around me. When I’m trying to not think about you, your call comes in. Our friendship is like a punishment to my heart. I cannot deal any longer. We need to stop talking and stop being friends, I’m sorry. It’s what’s best for me. The earlier I let go, the better.”

Those words sank me, my heart. How can I let her go when she’s all I ever wanted! I hear people fight for love. Why wouldn’t she?!

We had love but we couldn’t be.
I was for another, though she was for no one.

In a shattered voice, I responded “Let you go? How do you mean?”
She was out, gone already.

She was ready to let go of our love since we couldn’t be.
Somewhere inside me, I knew it was the right thing to let her go but my heart wasn’t willing. Why would I pick a relationship over love?!

We could have damned the right thing; I can’t say I didn’t think of it. Don’t judge me. But she was a good person, she wouldn’t hurt another.

Maybe she’s an angel or you could help me define perfect.
Our love was real. We couldn’t own it.
It was hard to deal. She’d rather blow it.

I cried. I swear I couldn’t hold back those tears. Maybe if we’d met in time. Maybe we should have fought. I begged her to let fate but she’d rather decide the future. It’s not fate to wait for what’s for another, I understand. I was selfish, I was in love.

I slept in tears and woke up with a salty mouth and a mail from her. I guess I cried even in my subconscious and tears rolled down my cheek till it left the taste in my mouth.

It was the most difficult thing to open the mail. I wouldn’t know if she mailed to apologise and get back on as friends or she’d sent it to break my heart finally. Anyway, I did open up and the message read:

“We scour through life looking for something special. Sometimes, we never find it. Sometimes we find it and get so lucky to own it for aye. At other few times, we get lucky enough to have it, but are not destined to own it. I found ‘special’ in you. You seemed like the perfect ‘best friend’ and I was somehow hoping we could just be friends without letting bullshit get in between but it did, sadly but not surprisingly, because my head knew it could never be. For what it’s worth, you are a great friend and you’re darn lovable. I will miss your croaky frog-like voice and the great songs you used to share with me. And even though somewhere in my heart, I really do hate you, I’m glad you were one of those that made me laugh with so much glee. Regardless of what goes down, I’ll always wish you the very best in life and you will remain one of those rare people I happened to find special with. Thanks for being my muse for a while. Bye Frank.”

I continued from where I stopped the night before, the easiest thing was to let the tears roll. I had to let her go. Sweet memories of her were all I had left.

We were meant to be;
But never shall we.
Our love will be;
Our time we missed.

There in our hearts shall it live;
Love ever so strong and real.
Of fear, of guilt, of shame;
What we feel we must not show.
For I belong to another and so do you;
This way it must stay
Till our days no more.

A rare story of love with no happy ending. A story of a love I couldn’t own.